I have been wondering a lot lately about how many things I have done, or directions that I have taken have been ones that I have wanted to do, or have been the result of wanting to do something others have wanted.
Did I really want to become a pastor?
I was very young (19 or 20) when I chose the course of becoming a pastor. Never in the previous 19-20 years of my life had I ever considered this course, nor would anyone that knew me well would’ve dreamed I would have become a pastor!
So, where did it come from? It came from the heavy influence of my pastor. I had newly become a Christian, and my charisma and passion was rubbing off on people, especially the youth of our church. At the time I was going to Kirtland Community College to get my associates degree in Art.
I always wanted to be an artist.
Pastor planted the seed of me becoming a pastor in my brain and it grew.
I always wanted to be told what to do with my life.
Unfortunately, the “I always wanted to be told what to do with my life” outweighed the “I always wanted to be an artist” and I chose to follow his influence.
Why do I say “influence”? I say influence because he knew my talent to draw and my abilities to draw (they are obvious). He also knew I was going to school for this. He also had plans of starting a pastoral school and knew because of my neivity and passion that I would blindly become his first student.
I realize this sounds harsh, but I do not intend it to be. But, I say it because I realize now that when you want someone to follow your influence you do not help them think through their situation, but you provide the path you want them to follow.
Instead of helping me choose what was best for me, he laid out a course for my life that sounded good and fit his desires.
He led me.
I followed.
I didn’t become an artist.
I did what he wanted me to do. Which was what I wanted to do because I wanted someone to tell me what to do, and what better person than someone who speaks directly to God?
This man knew the hearts of men! He would share with me often that he knew what they were thinking, feeling, etc. He knew what God was going to do. He knew the direction for our lives. He told me he could see the paths people were taking and he even shared with me that he knew where these people would end up in life.
That was influence!
He told me he could see God’s hand on me, etc, insert your religious verbage here _______
I guess what I am getting at is, I feel it is important for me to expose this as well as get it off my chest, but the deeper issue is not what he or anyone else has said, but rather my desire to let them lead me.
Am I the leader of my life, or am I a sheep, led by others?
My ability to be so easily influenced has caused me a lot of pain and heartache over the years.
You’d make a great boss! You should be this! You should do that! Blah, blah, blah. All of that is great. All of that is normal. Some of that is manipulative bullshit by religious leaders who know nothing of God, or man.
But, regardless, I want to listen to me!
I don’t even know the sound of my own voice sometimes.
So, as I journey now I am searching for myself. Trying to uncover me, dust me off, and ask myself: what do you want to do?
What do you want to do, Tobias Abraham Neal?
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