I think it’s almost 2:00am and I am at Laura’s mom’s house and our kids are sound asleep; whatever cares they may have are lost to them now. I, however, am wide awake. I’m trying to figure out why.
Maybe it was the two Mountain Dews, three Cokes and one Pepsi I drank today? I should be drinking water more. I wonder how this affects my prostate, and I wonder this because I was diagnosed with chronic prostititus when I was twenty-five years old and supposedly caffeine and carbonated liquids are not good for me…Or, do I worry because I am getting older? When am I going to experience the affects of aging? Am I already?
Maybe I’m awake because it is hotter than the lower planes of Ghena in this house. This fact doesn’t seem to bother everyone else who is asleep, though, so maybe it’s just me. Why do I get so hot? How come I couldn’t have been born a cooler person? I’m glad, inside, that my sweat doesn’t stink - at least not that I am aware of.
I sat outside for a little while tonight while everyone slept. The moon was out, too. But, soon, it went behind the clouds. Maybe it found rest there. I didn’t find any outside.
Maybe tomorrow is on my mind. That thought seems weird to me seeings how I had to be reminded about it - and I quickly called my lawyer to find out when I was scheduled to appear in court to finalize my divorce tomorrow! It had completely slipped my mind.
Or had it?
Now I wonder if I am capable of just slipping things away so as not to think of them, worry over them, wonder about them. I never viewed myself as such, though, and for some weird reason people who do that seem odd to me - like they need help. Do I need help?
An old friend is in a relationship they shouldn’t be in. That’s bothering me, too. I’m removed from it now, but still…why do people make the wrong choices? Well, I mean, come on, people make wrong choices often, but you know what I mean. Willingly? Maybe that’s not the right way to say it…
Now, I’m wondering how come I have hard time saying what I want to say. I was a preacher for five years, and several before. Not that speaking clearly comes easy to preachers, nor me, but it does frustrate me some times my lack of coherency (and ability to spell). My preaching days are behind me now. They have been for some time. My lack of ability to communicate (or maybe I communicated TOO well!) was one of the reasons I left. My changes, ideas, heart, caused people to…well, let’s just say that maybe my inability to say what I want to say might in fact be a good thing here.
Laura’s mom has numerous plaques on her office wall decorating her as “Teacher of the Year” and for other various important things she did throughout her amazing educational career. I thought about being a teacher - not because I want to be a teacher, but because I want summers off and to get out work by 4pm every day. Is that wrong? Mrs. Hawkins has touched so many lives on so many levels. I know I could do the same. Maybe I should teach.
I need to figure out where I am headed career wise. “Wise” - if I only had the foresight to be wise! I wanted to be an illustrator throughout high school; I started college for it. Then I dropped that to be train to be a pastor. That took forever. Meanwhile I began running a Taco Bell. I made good money, had great hours, and had awesome benefits. I left that a took a pastoring job that paid me less than half of my yearly salary while with Taco Bell and had no benefits. “Wise?”…”You make the call!” Now I am back to wanting to illustrate but realizing that it might not be as nice as having summers off…
What’s odd is my mind really isn’t restless. You know, like there isn’t anything really pressing on it. Hmm…
I think it’s the caffeine.
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