Bout time!

I’m bloggin this from Burger King.

I am also doing this on my laptop.

I haven’t had my laptop running in almost a year (maybe it has been a year). But, due to recent events I am without a computer, and so I decided to spend the little about of money it took to get a new hardrive and install it and get this puppy up and running again. Sweet.

Winking is a sin – a post you should read

Check out this post by one of my good friends, Jen. Jen is one of the most sincere, nice, and funniest people I have ever known. Man, she is hilarious! I love her honesty, and since I know from whence she came and her heart I doubly love this post.

Jen, you’re awesome, don’t ever change, and even if you do, you’ll still be awesome!

Silvertide

I first heard of them in a year or so ago. I think it was around the time they released “I Ain’t Comin Home” on the radio. KLT was pumpin them big time and I was lovin it. That song “gets it” for me. They remind me of a fresh version of the Bon-era AC/DC. So, after hearing their song (again) on the radio I was like time to go get the cd…but, noooo, Wally-world doesn’t carry it. So, a friend in Petoskey said they’d check out the local music stores for me…sweet! Silvetide, here I come, baby!

Skubalon

Paul, the Apostle, wrote some groups of believers that he counts all the things that he once had or wanted to have in comparison with Christ as “skubalon”. Paul uses a Greek word that in his day was perhaps the most profane swear word used. It was a word used to describe the most unspeakable, disgusting thing. It was a word used to show complete and utter distain or defilment for something.

Paul used the “s” word.

So is my boy, Ricky, who just started “Skubalon“. Bought time, punk.

Christianity, etc, etc

A week or so ago I wrote a post about my troubles with my Christianity.

I’m still struggling with the whole thing, but I want to be clear: I know there is a God, and I want to follow Jesus. I also love being with and being connected to people who are of the same mind. I do this on a regular basis. While I work some Sunday’s now, I am attending a local church in Frederic, Michigan. I don’t know how I fit in with this church yet, but I do know that these people love me no matter what, so I go. Besides they have good cookies! (that was a joke – well, they do have good cookies, but anyway)

I guess, to be honest, what I struggle with is how to handle all the things I have went through as a Christian, especially the things that involve other Christians. I also have been struggling for the past several years with the geniuneness of how we (I) live out this thing called Christianity. For some reason I can’t reconcile what I read in the Bible with what I have been apart of these past 12+ years. What I mean is, I just don’t see the way we do/are the church as being the same as what I am reading.

All that aside, I have also went through some things in the past couple years that have seriously caused me to question my faith, the reality of God, etc. I think everyone does this. Through all the hardships, hazards and happenings, I have always come out praying this prayer, “Lord I believe, but help thou my unbelief!”

And as the years have passed and I have grown, changed and learned (and relearned) I have come to the conclusion that how I have expressed/lived out my Christianity isn’t consistent with 1) the Bible, and 2) my own heart. Toby Neal can not be a fundamental Baptist. It’s not who I am. It doesn’t fit me and I don’t fit it. And not just a fundamental Baptist, but really that whole genre of Christianity as a whole. That doesn’t mean I don’t believe some (most) of the things that they hold to. That also doesn’t mean I don’t practice some of the things that they practice. But, it does mean that I do not have a place with them anymore (even though I attend one of their churches).

I’m just trying to come to grips with what has been happening in my heart and mind in the last couple years.

I blog about these things because it seems to help me work these things out. I want others to know what’s going on and I want your imput. I’ve been doing this for well over two years now.

But, I have come to realize that there are many who read this that read it and become confused rather than clear on where I am at, and that isn’t good for anyone. I also have realized that I am quick to write and slow to think and that oft times when I am slamming this, or ranting on this, etc that it hurts people close to me because those people embrace said things. However, I don’t think of them that way because they love me and we’re tight.

So, in light of that let me say that I have nothing but the deepest respect and love for my pastor and his wife, Dale & Judy Hammond. I also have a kinship with First Baptist Church, and I have always been able to walk through those doors and it has always been like going home. I also have a high regard for the people I pastored at Pigeon River Baptist Church. I know that the changes/things I have went through have probably troubled them more than they will let on, and I know (and was confirmed to me in a phone call last night) that they are praying for me, etc. I love them. Always have, always will.

I also have nothing but graditude and respect for Otsego Christian School who has helped me rear and train my children “in the way they should go.” While I have changed, or am trying to figure things out, etc, they have stood by me and my family and have done nothing but support us, love us and help us, spiritually and financially. My heart wells up at their graciousness to me and mine, and I know my kids are safe in their care, and I would have it no other way.

So, what I am trying to say is simply this: I am trying to journey my way through the things that are in my heart and mind concerning my life, Christianity and where I am headed as a man, as a father and as a Christian. I do not mean to trouble anybody by this, nor cause anyone harm, nor do I want to falsely advertise what really isn’t. I have a tendency to do that – shock jock it, sort of. I’m a little over the top some times. I apologize for that. So, I would ask for your prayers, your counsel, and your love through this. As bad as it seems I do know that God is my Father and I am his son. I do know the grace and love of others and it seems that inspite of me God has continued to bless me so.

How could I then forsake him? I could never.

Following the Leader

“Why do you choose to follow Toby?” a friend of mine was asked recently. This friend shared this with me along with some other retarded things that were mentioned to him by this gentlemen.

What a stupid question. Everyone who knows me knows why someone would follow me…I mean, come on, wouldn’t you?

Actually, when I look behind me I don’t see to many people. None, as a matter of fact. Once in awhile I see my kids, but I usually stop so they can catch up. Other than that my friends and the people I love are usually right next to me, walking with me, together.

Maybe that’s why this guy follows me.

The reason

The reason why I blog is the same reason why I am not blogging about some things in my life:

HONESTY

I have loved to blog and be honest about my life, etc, but now, when I probably need to be blogging about what’s going on in my life, I can’t, because I am afraid to be honest about it.

Weird…

Manning Man-crush

I have a friend who now has a man-crush on Manning. She’s a chick, so that’s okay. But, it does mark the return of the Manning band-wagon that will certainly be circling with his (finally!) Colt’s playing in this year’s Super Bowl (did I mention that Prince is the half-time concert – SWEET!…no fear of seeing his breast!) Good luck to Manning & the Colts, it should be a good showdown.

If I was living in GR

I believe I would have to be linking up with Mars Hill. Check out their new site here.

A long overdue explination…

I have been wanting to write on this subject for a long time now, but I no longer have the opportunities that I once did. (I don’t have internet, and I don’t have a computer – a post that will be posted about soon, believe me). So, I’m setting here at the local college thinking I ought to drop this, especially in light of some recent events (which shall also be posted about soon).

Basically, some people close to me are getting some bad, one-sided information about where I am at in my personal/spiritual life these day (“these days” ha!). It really is a joke to me. So, forgive me if this seems rantish (because it is definitely all that), as I try to lay this out quickly while I’m on borrowed time.

Christianity.
I think I’m pretty much done with it. I’ve made some bold, rash moves before, and of course, if you know me, then you know that I have also said some things and ended up taking them back more than once, but when I write this I know how serious I am about it.

I became a Christian in 1993. I’m not sure why I did, accept I believed that Jesus died for me and rose from the dead to give me life, and that I was a sinner (and a good one) and the Bible was true. I called a friend and asked them what I was supposed to do with this revelation. Evidently, I was supposed to tell God. I did. We’ve been tight ever since.

Several months passed and I was still “Toby”. Then I started attending church regularly. Now, I loved it! It was new to me. The messages helped me understand what I was reading, and I began to learn at a rapid pace – which is because of who I am. When I’m in, I’m all in.

But, I soon became torn, because what I was learning meant that to follow it I would have to die to my old self and live to this new self I was learning about. That meant I had to dump the old and put on the new. “The old things pass away, and everything becomes new…” is how one of the writers of the New Testament put it. And, because of who I am (see above paragraph) I did it. All in.

Lost
I lost all my friends. And, my friends were the people whom I had hug with for at least over 4-10 years. Thankfully some of them are still my friends today. I also had to break things off with a girl who was SO good to me, and whom I loved very much (thankfully she was man enough to still hang with me as friends because of my silly beliefs at the time). What I am saying is, in short, I lost everything of who I was to become this New Creation in Christ – i.e., a Christian.

I did all this well. I was well received and loved by my church. I still am. I was very excited to become whatever God wanted me to become. But, honestly, all along I knew something wasn’t right. Not that I doubted what I was being taught, but something wasn’t right in me.

This wasn’t me, I would hear from the inner most corners of my heart.

And, it wasn’t. This became apparent to me as I began to “slide” back into my old ways. I would “backslide” all the time. It just seemed natural to me to date girls, listen to rock n roll and be with people who could care less about church, Jesus, or the Bible. But, I was conflicted because I was being taught that God had a plan for me and I was to be a pastor, and that calling was for life, etc, etc. And, I was conflicted because as much as I wanted my old life back (and boy, what a life!!) I also wanted to this one as well.

I chose Christianity. And, I did well with it. I have my Master’s degree in Theology. I have pastored for 5 years. I have influenced and be apart of changing many, many, many lives. I wouldn’t take that back for anything.

But, I am making a different choice in my life now. I just don’t have any desire to continue in what I was in for the last 12-13 years of my life. Knowing this, I resigned my pastorate in March of 2006 and began to step away from it all. I wanted to see if this is what I really wanted.

To see if this was really me.

The hard part here is that everyone reading this pre-Toby-being-a-Christian will be happy, and nod their heads, and say, “hey man, you’re happiness and wholeness is more important than anything, so we support you – it’s good to have yo back!” Those who met me as a Christian/pastor/whatever will be disappointed, wonder why I left the faith, think I’m a heretic, and wont let me talk to their kids. I know the labels I’ll receive – ha! I used to label people like me like this – and I got paid in the process of doing so!!

That last part was a joke.

Well, kinda.

But, I feel more like myself than I have in years. Years.

I have detoxed from church and I have seen it for what I think it really is to be, and I just don’t want to have much to do with it anymore. I don’t mean to hurt anyone by that, but it’s true.

Core
NOW, that doesn’t change how I believe on some core levels. But, and this is going to sound strange, but what I believe today is what I have always believed, in essence. I think that is because of who I am. I think we are who we are and as a result we’re into different things and we gravitate towards those things. I think if you could, hypothetically speaking, throw Christianity out the window – as in, it never existed as a religion – I believe that the people who claim to be Christians would pretty much be who they are now, minus the Christianesse speak.

That isn’t to say that Christianity (or is defined as doing so) hasn’t helped change anyone’s life. I know the testimonies, but I’d bet all-in that at the core of who they are they gravitate towards Christian anyway. Even though they have do so much wrong and are sinners, etc, they still, because of who they are would wind up doing something Christian-like.

At the core of who I am, I just don’t think I’m that.

So, knowing how Christians operate, I know that this post is going to rattled some feathers. Good. Basically over the last several weeks someone close to me has been slandering me and making me look bad to others stating that I am not who I used to be and my Christianity is a joke, and thus they have the problems that they do.

As Pastor Hammond would often say, “Harg-wash!”

How I live my life does not, nor should not, dictate how anyone else should live theirs. In other words where I am at spiritually should not, and ultimately does not bring down someone. Nothing should. Don’t blame your crap on me, or anyone else.

So, what’s left to say? I suppose I would say that if you really cared then you wouldn’t take someone’s word on where I was at with these things, but ask me, personally. I would also say that my true friends will always be my side, cause that’s where friends are always at – the rest…

I would also say that there is more to say on this, so stay tuned…

I have been wanting to Blog SO bad!

Seriously. I have had a lot of things I have wanted to write about. I really want to write about what is going on in my life right now, but I’m not at liberty to, yet. I also want to write about why I think I’m pretty much done with Christianity. I also want to write about why I try to cram in a bite of food while I am dialing a phone number. Why do I do that? There is so much to share, but alas I can’t! Why? Well, a) I don’t have internet at home, and b) well, I don’t have a computer at home either! LONG story, but worth the telling. Someday. I am hoping to get my laptop fixed and get a wireless plugin so I can start back up with where I left off. Anyway, more later…I think.

What Dan said

“Yeah, Tob, I don’t know why you joined that Baptist church. I couldn’t figure out why I leader of men would want to become a servant to a church/religion.”

Lack of Fulfillment: things I expressed to a friend

Last night I was talking to an old friend and I was telling them that although I believed I was “called” into the ministry (then) I never felt fulfilled in the ministry. The ministry did a lot to stroke my ego, and at the same time humble me immensely. However, I never felt fulfilled in it. I never woke up in the morning pumped about it, or fired up about it. It never got me out of bed.

Several years ago this became clear to me when our church did an exercise in which we had to write down three of our most fulfilling experiences. Pastoring was not on there. In fact I only had one ministry-related thing on there, and it was when I was Superintendent of the Landmark Baptist Church’s Sunday School.

Anyway. My conclusions from this is that after pastoring for five years, and doing a pretty good job at it, it was not my destiny to be one for longer than that. In spite of whatever reasons why I left the ministry, I made the right choice. I know that now. I knew it then. Also, I wont be going back to it. Ever. I just recently had a church contact me, and I was interested, but not to pastor, but because of the situation, and I believe that who I am would lend well to that situation, but only in the interium.

I also conclude that people who claim that being a pastor is a life-long calling are sincerely wrong, or manipulative, or both. They say things like, “If you can do anything else, get out of the ministry!” Whatever. I think every Christian should take a college course on mind control or mental manipulation. The next Sunday’s sermon will never be the same!

What is the first qualification to being a pastor anyway?

“If any many desire the office of a bishop,” is what Paul wrote to Timothy as he ordained elders in the newly started churches in Ephesus.

Desire.

Not calling. Not life-long, never to be repented of, if you back away God will put you on a shelf, calling.

Desire.

Desire can come, and desire can go. Correct? So, if the first qualification is having the desire, then wouldn’t it seem that if that desire is derided then the person who was in the position could step away from it?

I don’t desire it anymore. (and WHY I don’t desire it anymore is a whole nother post!) However, I do desire a lot of the things I gained from being in that position – AND I AM CONVINCED THAT THOSE THINGS ARE WHAT DRAWS SO MANY INTO BECOMING AND STAYING PASTORS! Pride. Recognition. Self-worth. Respect. People coming to YOU for the answers. Importance. Etc. Not all bad things, really, but I know from experience (and I was called humble) that those things were hard for me to let go of. If you’re a pastor reading this, then you know what I talk about. Why the heck are you in the ministry anyway?

Let it snow, let it snow!

It’s snowing out. Finally! I have been waiting for this for awhile now! I want to go sledding with my kids! I don’t live in Northern Michigan for nothing. I love all the seasons! I love the warm, green summers. I love the cold, white winters. I love the transition between them. I LOVE IT! So, when I woke up this morning and snow covered the ground I was giddy like a school girl. I hope it stays. I hope for more. Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow!!!

Slowin down

My bloggin will be slowing down for the time being. I might start posting at the same rate as Watchman and Gary here soon… I wont have internet access as regularly as I have had here in the past, so that will hinder it, and, the majority of what I want to post on, I can’t right now, so…

(And, on a side note, I’m a little peeved that blogger isn’t uploading any of my pictures right now! dumb!)