Ambivalence

Topic: My heart



God has been challenging my love for him and his church lately (and probably longer than I have realized). I have been in a tremendious downswing regarding my heart and its coldness towards certain things (church) and its warmth towards others (planting, evangelism, culture, practices, music).

Church has just been in this crazy, crappy, cool rollercoaster ride, and even as I write my eyes tear up. I have these feelings – love, excitement, hate, anger, bitterness, resentment, confusion, instability, desire – all mixed together when I think of the church. Not the church really, but the people in it (may be the same to you, but in all reality, it just might not be). I can love my family, but not like my wife or kids. Does that make any sense? If it does, then it does, if not, well, I don’t know how to explain it any other way right now.

Permit me to go on for a moment longer. I am recently reading a book called, “Loving the Church you lead” by David Hansen. I don’t know if I have ever read such a REAL book before (maybe “Reformission” by Driscoll comes close). Wow. The struggles he is describing and the condition that results from them is SO me. Right now he is talking about “ambivalence” which basically means that you can’t decide on an issue, but when it comes to pastoring it means “not being able to give ourselves in love, all because of inner pain that shies out will away from any course of action.” Now I what may be messing me up.

Evidently this is not a good thing according to God’s word in Revelation, you know, about not being hot nor cold, and God puking you out because of it. In fact, ambivalence is so bad that Hansen says bitterness is better – because at least in bitterness you can hate, you can still function, not so with ambivalence, it leaves you undirected, uncaring, unmotivated, unable to open up, unable to move (and with that I now have Switchfoot’s “Dare you to move” in my head).

I’ve been feeling this way for some time, probably longer than I know. Ministry sucks, to be honest. I find myself wanting to draw away, pull back, and just kinds hide out from it – you know, do my “job” and that’s it, close the door, lock it, and come back when it’s punchin in time. Isn’t that sick? See, here comes the guilt. Of the joy, the thrill, the agony.

Anyway, I’m not looking for counsel. I tried that once already and got a bunch of “quit whining, you don’t have it as bad as you think” type of replies (thanks). I guess maybe if you are reading this you just might want to pray for me. Pray that God will do whatever is necessary, either with or without my approval. Maybe that means showing me through this book what needs to take place, or through a problem here in the church, or in a blessing. Whatever, God, just change me, cause if you don’t, I think I’m going to make you sick (if I haven’t already).

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